How to Tell If Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You by The Oatmeal (Matthew Inman)

“Kneading on you: You may think this is a sign of affection, but your cat is actually checking your internal organs for weaknesses.
Excessive shoveling of kitty litter […] This is practice for burying bodies.
Bringing you dead animals: This isn’t a gift. It’s a warning.
Sleeping on your electronics: Humans have superior technology. Your cat knows this and will attempt to disrupt all communications to the outside world.
Sprinting at light speed out of any room you enter: When your cat does this it’s actually a failed ambush.
Sleeping in the highest trafficked part of the house: This is a ‘kitty landmine’.
Excessive yawning: This is not a yawn; this is your cat’s war face.”

It turns out cats are not the cuddly balls of fur we think they are. Beneath the face of every Mittens and Mr. Fluffykins lurks the heart of demented killer. All cat owners beware, this book is a warning to you!